I'M NOT A FAN

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Monday, May 16, 2005

Top of the 1^st

I’M NOT A FAN

It’s really reaching the point where I’m not a fan of fans. Don’t get me wrong I love to be as cool as the next guy, but I prefer air conditioners. Sorry, wrong “fans.” I’m now correctly referring to the inhabitants of ballparks.

Now, I don’t care what you do as a fan in the privacy of your own home, but when you come to the ballpark, please understand you are becoming a tad more involved than I need or want. This is why I don’t go to the movies. I want to watch the movie, I don’t want the audience to be part of the experience.

Here’s how I bring the movie experience home with me. First, I rent the DVD. Then I pour Coke on the floor to make sure it's good and sticky. Then I get a pair of teenagers to sit in the family room with us and talk throughout the entire film. Some old people join us to keep mentioning how disgusting this is and keep asking, "Now, who is that again?" Then finally I bring in a bunch of strangers to cough incessantly.

If that doesn't make it realistic enough for me, I flush $20 down the toilet.

Now, I’m afraid in order to replicate the stadium experience I’m going to have to make some adjustments as well. First, I need someone people to constantly be walking in front of me, forcing me and my creaky knee to stand every time they do it. Then I need a series of people hawking overpriced items, one after another, making sure that I have the opportunity not only to buy caviar-priced peanuts, but pass them on to other members of my row in both directions. I always feel for the purchaser of mystery meat on a bun (a.k.a. hot dog) whose food has enough fingerprints on it to send the CSI: Fenway crew into orgasmic delight.

Then there are the talkers. Talking baseball at the ballpark is one of the great things in life. Having that conversation with someone three rows away, is not. Let’s not leave out from this menagerie the “You ****-er!” This is the guy, who throughout the game, believes that members of the opposing team don’t meet his standards of excellence and feels inclined to share that data with all of us around him. He (and by the way my use of the male pronoun is solely not used for convenience but used with intent) is invariably rewarded for his bon mots by increasingly more demonstrative simian behavior by his cohorts.

The volume of these offenders ratchets up thanks to a magical barley-based elixir. Interestingly enough, as the volume increases, the creativity that may, or may not, have been exhibited in the early innings quickly reduces itself to a level of humor beneath that found on “Mad TV” (I can’t think of anything more inane). But we can live with that (if I can live with “The Wave” I can live with that), but what I can’t tolerate is the next level of inhibition removed by our friend Bud.

Take the case of Eric Anduri of Lafayette, California who spent Saturday night in jail after pelting Jason Giambi with the beer after flying out in the 8^th inning of the Yankees' 15-6 win. What would he have done had Giambi actually have gotten a hit? Anduri, the son of Lafayette mayor Carl Anduri, was arrested by the Oakland police on suspicion of battery, public intoxication and throwing objects onto the Coliseum field.

Oakland fans were even less impressive Sunday than the A’s who were swept by New York and has now lost 8 straight. Moments after Giambi drew a walk in the 4^th, two men leaped from the stands along the left-field line and engaged security personnel in a protracted chase across the field. One of the fans made it all the way across the outfield and attempted to escape over the right-field wall, but A's outfielder Eric Byrnes and a security guard pulled him down. The second fan stood on the mound, wearing diaper-like pants and no shirt, raced around the field and then headed to center field, before he was corralled by five security guards.

Now, while it’s harder and harder to reproduce this experience at home, I can always flush $100 down the toilet and I’m real close.

Top of the 2^nd

COULD SOMEONE TELL MANNY?

Manny Ramirez hit the 400^th home run of his career yesterday in the Red Sox 5-4 loss to Seattle. Ramirez flew out to end the game, with Johnny Damon on second, against M’s closer Eddie Guardado.

Manny’s 400th ranks him 39th all-time and 10th among active players:
No.	Player	HRs	Rank
1.	Barry B*nds	703	3rd
2.	Sammy Sosa	578	7th
3.	Rafael Palmeiro	554	10th
4.	Ken Griffey Jr.	506	19th
5.	Jeff Bagwell	449	28th
6.	Frank Thomas	436	31st
7.	Juan Gonzalez	434	32nd
8.	Jim Thome	424	35th
9.	Gary Sheffield	421	36th
10.	Manny Ramirez	400	39th

Top of the 3^rd

CLEMENS CONTINUES TO AMAZE

As Boston papers urge management to trade for him, and the Yankees hold the trump card, Roger Clemens continues to pitch brilliantly for the Houston Astros. Clemens, who has a no-trade clause in his contract to every team other than the Yankees, showed the Giants what it means to be both old and great on Saturday when he struck out a season-high 10 in his 331st career win, a 4-1 victory. Clemens (3-1) gave up one run and five hits in eight innings, his longest outing of the season. He walked none and threw 103 pitches. He has allowed only seven runs in eight starts this season for a 1.11 ERA. The last time Clemens went eight innings was Sept. 19, also against Milwaukee.

Clemens also recorded his sixth hit of the season and is batting .353 (6 for 17), best among  Houston pitchers.

It was the 109th time Clemens has struck out 10 or more, third on the career list behind Nolan Ryan and Randy Johnson. The last time Clemens did it was Sept. 24, when he fanned 12 in Milwaukee.

Top of the 4^th

NATURAL RIVALS

Following the Yankees eighth straight win, defeating and sweeping Oakland, 6-4, and the Mets loss to the Cardinals yesterday, both New York teams are at 19-19.

They face each other Friday as baseball begins its yearly interleague play gimmick.

Top of the 5^th

KISS OF DEATH III

The last-place Phillies held an organizational meeting Thursday, with manager Charlie Manuel and general manager Ed Wade both getting votes of confidence. Look for former Astros GM Gerry Hunsicker getting Wade’s job and as for Manuel’s job, let’s see, Larry Bowa is available.

Top of the 6^th

DOCTOR, DOCTOR, GIVE ME THE NEWS

The Orioles' team physician says right fielder Sammy Soso could be out for a month with a staph infection on the bottom of his left foot and has been given antibiotics. I’ll bet some “cream” could solve the problem for Corky.

Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano left his start against the Washington Nationals with what the trainer called "tennis elbow." With the way things are going, manager Dusty Baker must be afraid to swallow his toothpick.

Kansas City first baseman Mike Sweeney has been out of action with a strained muscle in his right side. Like his presence would make a difference.

Tampa Bay’s Rob Bell was placed on the 15-day DL because of "personal and psychological issues," the team said. The Rays originally said he “had his bell rung” but amended that comment.

Top of the 7^th

BILLY-BALL-A-GRAM - 5/16/2005

This birthday boy once had 9 consecutive pinch hits.

EVIL HELP DAY

BILLY-BALL-TRIVIA - 5/16/2005

Name the five pitchers who faced both Mark McGwire and Roger Maris.
Send your answers to Bill@billy-ball.com

Bottom of the 7^th

BILLY-BALL-TRIVIA-ANSWER - 5/16/05

Where and when did the Royals pull off their last triple play?

The last Royals triple play was in Baltimore on April 3, 1996, with the Orioles' Bobby Bonilla at bat. The around-the-horn play went from Joe Randa to Bip Roberts to Bob Hamelin to catcher Sal Fasano. Fasano tagged Roberto Alomar, who was trying to score from second base.

Top of the 8^th

DID YOU KNOW?

With their 14-7 victory over the Red Sox, Friday night, the Mariners no longer have the worst record in games played on Friday the 13th. They are 8-17 (.320) on that day in franchise history. The worst such record in the majors now belongs to the Angels at 11-26 (.297) who were rained out on Friday…just their luck.

Friday marked the 84th time baseball has been played on Friday the 13th, and the day has also been rough for the A's (27-50-1), but good for the Brewers (22-10), Red Sox (45-27-1) and Giants (42-35).

Top of the 9^th

BLAME IT ON THE WEATHER

According to Larry Stone in the Seattle Times, the drop in home run out put this season may not be attributable to testing for juice, the absence of B*nds, the nagging injuries of Thome, and the drop-off in production by Beltre. Stone spoke to David Vincent of the Society for American Baseball Research (SABR), who is the nation's leading expert on home-run study, who blames it on the weather. "The weather in Florida for spring training was pretty lousy," he said. "Teams lost a lot of work. The East Coast weather in April was pretty generally cold and lousy. The ball doesn't fly as well in cold weather.

"In terms of any kinds of supplements guys are or aren't using, I have yet to see any proof. I'm sure there's some effect, but it's impossible to quantify. It is pretty easy to quantify the weather."

So the next time you hear that Jason Giambi is under the weather, now we know…it’s code.

Have a great day!